Friday, October 08, 2004

Jenny Wets Her Pants

Allow me to bring to your attention something that happened to me today. I have ceased to question why things like this happen, why I'm always victim, and why they happen regularly. Nowadays I merely sigh, roll my eyes, examine the damage, and continue like nothing's happened.

I have a bike on campus, and bike from class to class as I'm lazy and biking is fun and relaxing. I also like to bike fast and dangerously, testing my brakes to their limit. But that's beside the point. It was raining moderately today so I brought paper towels to dry the seat because I parked it outside. On my first biking trip this morning - from physics to English - everything started out fine. It wasn't raining too hard so I still held hopes of Normal Hair for class and I skillfully managed not to hit anybody. Half way there I felt small gushes of water go down the middle of the back of my pants. At first I ignored it because it was raining and I had to concentrate on weaving between the masses of people, but I immediately got off my bike when I realized my butt shouldn't be feeling wet and that there shouldn't be a stream of water going down my pants.

My backpack is one of those backpacks with lots of straps hanging of the side. They're annoying so I tied them together in the middle. They're long so they still hang in the middle, kind of like a mullet or a tail. In my biking position the straps end conveniently above the top of my pants, allowing rain to slide directly into them. After realizing this, I thought 'Whatever. Get to class', and resumed biking, thus exacerbating the condition of my pants.

In the English building bathroom I tried to examine the damage, but it's rather hard to look at your own butt without a full length mirror. I twisted and strained but couldn't see anything. It felt wet, but I needed to know if I was at least fit to go to class. Exiting my stall, I approached the one other person in the bathroom.

"Excuse me, how wet is my butt?"
"Um, it's pretty wet. Quite noticable."
"Great. Does it look like I pissed my pants?"
"No it's not in that spot. It's not between your crotch."
"I wish I had a hairdryer."
"Maybe there's a dryer in here." We looked but alas, only paper towels.
"Maybe you can stand in here for a while. Might dry up a bit."
"Nah, I'm going to class."

I arrived at English two minutes late. I don't think anybody noticed the state of my pants, but I felt my neighbor needed to know so I kept turning to her and saying, "My ass is so wet."

A wet ass wasn't going to keep me from learning*, so I proceeded to philosophy after English, albeit on foot. Oh the true thrill of walking! Wet behind, now wet feet. And wet hair (I had forgotten my umbrella in the car). After philosophy I looked at the dark triangular patch the rain made in a full length mirror. The lighting was bad in the bathroom and I probably couldn't see that clearly anyway, but it didn't look too bad. Luckily the color of my pants only turned a little darker when wet.

* The real reason is that I don't know a single person in my philosophy class, so there would be no way of getting notes. I know the names of two people (not including the professor), I don't have their contacts, and I doubt they remember my name. Besides, it's only wet pants.

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